The Best Jokes from the Deadpool Leaked Script that Didn't Make It Into the Movie

Sunday, 21 February 2016 - 12:28PM
Deadpool
Sunday, 21 February 2016 - 12:28PM
The Best Jokes from the Deadpool Leaked Script that Didn't Make It Into the Movie
After more than ten years of development, Deadpool is finally out, and it's already beloved by critics and breaking box office records left and right. But it wasn't too long ago that Deadpool was a fan pipe dream, with tantalizing teasers clawing their way out of development hell, including that famous test footage and an early leaked script. Now that we've seen Deadpool (and loved it), we read through that first draft of the script and combed for the best jokes that didn't make it into the movie. For the most part, as you would expect, the jokes improved, but there were a few hidden gems here and there:

Yet Another Brilliant Musical Moment


Deadpool's soundtrack was fantastic, from the 90's throwback "Shoop" that first appeared in the trailer to the heavily ironic "Angel of the Morning" in the opening credits. But there was one amazingly cheesy musical moment that didn't make it into the movie (likely because they couldn't get the rights). While Deadpool is sitting on the freeway overpass in the beginning of the movie, he starts reciting the words to Gwen Stefani's classic anthem, "Hollaback Girl."

Opening quote
"I heard that you were talking shit, and you didn't think that I would hear it. People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up."
Closing quote

And then, as he's killing everyone:

Opening quote
"This shit... is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
Closing quote


Some violent humor


During the fight with the thugs on the freeway, Deadpool bashes one of their heads into the sideview mirror of the car, with the camera zooming in on the words, "OBJECTS ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR."

Creative Names for Sexual Positions


The relationship between Wade and Vanessa went through a lot of evolution from the first to final script, and mostly for the better. But one pretty funny joke was cut in which they listed the ambitious sexual positions they wanted to try during that beginning sex montage, including "Grass Stains on the Lederhosen," 
"The Angry Pirates," and my personal favorite, 
"The Tobey Maguire." I have no idea what the first two would be, but the latter is heavily implied to be anal sex, so maybe they cut this joke because they didn't want to imply that Tobey Maguire is an asshole in real life?

Colossus-as-Deadpool-detractors


Deadpool's humor isn't for everyone, so one characteristically meta line had Colossus stand in for all the people whose taste wouldn't run to this movie:

Colossus: "I like you, Wade, you're funny. I mean, other people I admire think you're funny, so even though I don't get you, I trust their opinion."

A couple of choice expletives


Deadpool is no stranger to actual expletives, but there were a few funny substitutes in the original script, including the exclamation, "Jesus H. Christ in low-rise jeans" when he first finds Ajax, or, when he starts breaking his bones on Colossus, he hilariously cries, "Ooooorlando Jones."

Monty Python and the Holy Grail


The "fight" with Colossus was clearly a reference to the "Black Knight Battle" from Holy Grail, but there were once several explicit references to the film as well.

When he breaks his bones on Colossus: "I'd do 'Just a flesh wound!' from Holy Grail, but I can't be that guy."
When he's tortured by Ajax: "I'd do 'I'm not dead yet!' from Holy Grail, but I can't be that guy."
During the climactic fight: "I'd do 'I fart in your general direction' from Holy Grail but I can't be that—Holy shit. I am that guy."

X-Men references


Most of the references to the X-Men made it into the final movie, because nerds love that stuff. But there were two mutants who didn't make it into Deadpool, and we lost a couple of jokes on the way to Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Angel Dust:

First, there's Garrison Kane, who has several bionic parts, including an arm and an eye. Deadpool's reaction to his straight-faced villainy: "Lose your sense of humor- with all your other parts?"

And then there's Sluggo, who is described in the script as "a superhumanly sized and muscled GOON, running 6'9", 400 pounds easy." Deadpool's thoughts on his appearance: "And you're the brains?"

Steven Seagal movies I would pay to see


The "Taken" joke was ultimately better and more timely, but there was originally a pretty funny riff on the burning question: "Why is every Steven Seagal movie three words?" They started with actual Steven Seagal movies, like "Hard to Kill," "Marked for Death," "Out for Justice," and "Above the Law" (and they were missing "On Deadly Ground," "Fire Down Below," "Half Past Dead," "Out of Reach," "Into the Sun," "Today You Die," "Mercenary for Justice," "Flight of Fury," "Against the Dark," "Driven to Kill," "Force of Execution," "Code of Honor," and even more, if you can believe that. Seriously, what's up with that??)

But then they started coming up with their own list, and frankly, their suggestions sounded like much better movies than any of the real ones:
"Hungry for Lunch"
"Keep Off Grass"
"Now With Calcium"
"May Cause Diarrhea"
"No Free Refills"
"Dry Clean Only"
"Lather, Rise, Repeat"

Blind Al pranks


Some of the pranks Wade pulls on Blind Al that were ultimately cut were contingent on her being blind, which is sort of in poor taste. But there was one funny moment that had nothing to do with her disability, in which Wade puts her fingers in warm water while she's apparently sleeping. She says with her eyes closed:

Opening quote
"I'm awake, asshole"
Closing quote


Inglorious Basterds-style humor


There was even more enmity between Wade and Ajax in the original script, if you can believe that, especially since Ajax killed one of Wade's friends (Patch, a Marvel Comics character who was ultimately cut). So naturally, when Deadpool finds Ajax (and then loses him again), he takes the time and effort to carve into his foreheads the words "Hello! My name is... Francis" in the style of a nametag.

Generation Text


In the original script, Ajax tells Wade he kidnapped Vanessa via text, and Deadpool is furious at his lack of etiquette. "I'm a member of Generation Text. But letting a guy know his girl's been kidnapped via SMS? WTF." Weasel answers, "Totally rude. You deserved a call. Or at least an email."

They probably cut this one because it undercuts his concern for Vanessa a little bit (although Wade would definitely be the kind of person to joke through his fear and upset). Or, maybe they just didn't think being part of "Generation Text" was very timely by the time the movie finally came out, now that things like Snapchat have taken over everything.

Boxing References


Deadpool made a slew of pop culture references, and Ed Skrein has compared Ajax and Wade's dynamic to the famous George Foreman-Muhammed Ali rivalry, but the original script had more explicit references to great boxers, both real and fictional. First, Deadpool was supposed to yell out "Adrian!" during the climactic fight, which is a Rocky reference, and then does the Muhammed Ali shuffle in celebration of his win.




Special Mention: Amy Winehouse


We're glad they cut this, because it isn't really funny anymore, but it's worth mentioning just because it's a huge and weird coincidence. In the early draft of the script, Weasel and Wade are discussing the dead pool in the bar before Wade is transformed by the Weapon X project, and Wade has bet on Amy Winehouse. At first, I didn't get why this would be funny, but then I realized that the script was written before Amy Winehouse passed away in 2011. And the joke didn't stop there; the final scene originally showed Amy Winehouse getting hit by a bus, and Wade Wilson snarking, "And you woulda thought an overdose."
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