Hilarious Fantastic Four Video Asks 'What Happened to The Thing's D*ck?'

Sunday, 09 August 2015 - 12:12PM
Fantastic Four
Sunday, 09 August 2015 - 12:12PM
Hilarious Fantastic Four Video Asks 'What Happened to The Thing's D*ck?'
The Fantastic Four reboot has been plagued with burning questions since its inception; when the news first came out, it was "Why???" (answer: money/rights). When the casting came out, it was "How is Johnny Storm black when Sue is white?" (answer: Sue is adopted, and more importantly, this should never even have been asked). And now that it's come out and is getting absolutely terrible reviews, the answer is "Why, God, why??" again (answer: studio interference, apparently). 

But in the face of all of that, Nerdist was kind enough to address the hard-hitting question no one else had the courage to ask: What in God's name happened to The Thing's penis?



In the comics, the Thing is usually wearing his signature blue shorts, but since the reboot decided to take all of the color out of the proceedings, this just wouldn't do. So instead, we have an entirely naked Thing, with an extremely awkward "smooth area," except it's not smooth. As Johnny Storm puts it, "Like a Ken doll, except rocks."

This brings up a whole host of (very crass) questions. Does he have a penis? If he does, where is it? Does the smooth area comprise the penis somehow? Is it inside him, "all crumpled up and constricted," like a cat penis? And if he does have a cat's penis, "but like, a craggy cat's penis," how does he pee? Is it like a penis pad? Have we ruled out that he has a vagina? If he got bigger and taller, did his penis get longer and "girthier"? Can it be used as a weapon when he gets aroused? Does he ejaculate rocks? ("Sometimes I hate science.") Most of all, didn't anyone think it would be particularly cruel and unusual punishment to design a Thing who doesn't have a thing?

These questions are all very unpleasant to think about, but there may not have been a better alternative. Johnny summed it up best when he said: "It would be weirder if he had a regular penis on top of all those rocks, I think."

Fantastic Four is out in theaters this weekend. 
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Fantastic Four