Stargate EP Shares the Worst-Ever Story Pitches for SG-1 and Atlantis

Tuesday, 10 May 2016 - 5:03PM
Tuesday, 10 May 2016 - 5:03PM
Stargate EP Shares the Worst-Ever Story Pitches for SG-1 and Atlantis
Stargate producer and writer Joseph Mallozzi recently shared his top four Stargate: Atlantis scripts that never made it to screen, and they made our hearts hurt a little, because we'd love nothing more than to see them produced. Luckily, he's also shared the absolute worst pitches for both SG-1 and Atlantis that never made it to the screen, and they made our hearts happy, because they're hilarious.

Here's the pitch that took the top spot, from a writer who didn't know how to spell the name of the show, the names of the main characters, or the entire purpose of a Stargate:

Opening quote
Tee-alc gets separated from the rest of sgi while on an off-world mission. When O'Neil, Daniel, and Carter step through the gate, they end up trapped in another dimension where they must try to avert a nuclear showdown between India and Pakistan.
Closing quote


As Mallozzi says in his Reddit post, "If you're going to pitch a show, do the production the courtesy of at least watching an episode."

But another pitch takes a close second, as it's amazingly cheesy and, in Mallozzi's words, "might have worked on Star Trek fifty years ago. Maybe":

Opening quote
SG-1 visits a barren world, seemingly devoid of life. While investigating the ruins of a long-dead civilization, the team is captured by a race of subterranean-dwelling humans obsessed with Earth's pop culture. Their captors are a bizarre mix of cowboys, gangsters, and guys in Beatle wigs.
Closing quote
 
Most of them are for SG-1, but there's one insanely vague pitch for Atlantis, which starts with members of the expedition popping out of existence and finishes with, "What is happening? No idea." But at least it has a funny accompanying anecdote:

Opening quote
"Anyone can come up with the intriguing mystery," Mallozzi says. "The hard part is coming up with that equally intriguing ending/solution. When asked, the writer replied: 'Well, I thought you guys would figure it out.' To which Martin Gero replied: 'No, that's what we pay YOU for.'"
Closing quote


There were a few others, some of which were tired cliches like Teal'c being forced into a gladiator fight ("The good old arena episode. It seemingly never got old."), and a blatant Star Wars rip-off with a "dessert planet" and "alien cantinas" that would have cost the budget of the entire season. But the most egregiously terrible one, in my opinion, was this gem:

Opening quote
Carter is kidnapped by a race of men who require her for breeding purposes. Curiously, we'd get a variation of the "Gangbang Carter" pitch every season.
Closing quote

We want to see Stargate back on our screens, but not like this. Hopefully the writers of the upcoming Atlantis comic series and the big screen reboot will take their cue from the TV show writers, and refrain from objectifying their female characters, plagiarizing other space operas, or doing anything involving Beatle wigs.
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