5 Movie Militaries That Donald Trump Should NOT Model Space Force On

Monday, 09 July 2018 - 12:25PM
Star Trek
Battlestar Galactica
Alien
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Monday, 09 July 2018 - 12:25PM
5 Movie Militaries That Donald Trump Should NOT Model Space Force On
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Image Credit: Composite created from Pixabay Images
1. Colonial Marines (Aliens)

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Yes, the original Alien was a claustrophobic horror film set in a cramped spaceship, and the sequel Aliens was a straight-up 80's action movie, complete with huge machine guns, flamethrowers, and a bunch of Rambo wannabes called the Colonial Marines, but did they have to be so stupid? After watching an entire colony fall off the grid, Earth responds by sending a handful of gung-ho soldiers on a mission to scout out the situation wearing nothing but short sleeves and flak jackets, even though Ripley has told them about the xenomorph's uniqe M.O. (facehuggers and acid blood). On top of that, the Marines are probably the least professional, least disciplined group of soldiers outside of M.A.S.H.—despite being trusted with literal nukes, they disobey orders, disrespect the authority of their officers, and immediately panic during their first contact with aliens, leading to most of them being shredded. Their legacy has been enshrined in countless video games since, all of which portray Marines as scared, helpless idiots with guns.


2. The Federation Marine Corps (Starship Troopers)

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Starship Troopers took a page from Aliens' book by looking at legions of living alien weapons, most of which are fast-moving and deadly at close range, and saying "You know what would be the best match for these? Lightly armored ground troops with small arms." Granted, Starship Troopers is meant to be a satire, but watching thousands of soldiers running across open desert and throwing themselves at the alien equivalent of grain threshers and flamethrower tanks is mind-bogglingly dumb. The bulk of the alien forces in Starship Troopers resemble giant leafcutter ants that like to rip people apart with scythe-like arms, so the smart thing to do would be to put as much distance between them and the troops as possible, or, better yet, just bombard planets with nukes from orbit, as Ripley suggests in Aliens

3. Starfleet (Star Trek)

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Sure, the Enterprise gets the job done, but the rest of Starfleet has proven itself to be pretty much a pushover—whether it's the Breen attack on Earth in Deep Space Nine or the Battle of Sector 001, where Starfleet was ripped apart by the Borg, Starfleet's strength seems to be exploration, not stand-up battles. To add insult to injury, there are not one but two movies where Earth is threatened by an enigmatic spacecraft that holds Earth hostage (V'ger in Star Trek: The Motion Picture and the Whale Probe in Star Trek IV), and Starfleet can do nothing about it.

4. The Imperial Navy/First Order Navy (Star Wars)

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People joke about Stormtroopers being beaten by Ewoks, but the embarrassments of the Imperial Navy dwarf them like a Super Star Destroyer: not only have TIE fighters been outclassed by a light freighter with some jury-rigged laser cannons (the Millennium Falcon), TIE pilots have failed to shoot down that same freighter as it blew up the Death Star, which marked the second Death Star blown up on their watch. Despite having thousands of fighters swarming around the first Death Star and knowing exactly where the Rebels would try to attack (the thermal exhaust port), the Imperial Navy couldn't stop a handful of X-Wings, either. It's baffling how inept the Empire's forces are when it comes to space battles, especially when it comes to the weaknesses of their big guns, like that Super Star Destroyer or Snoke's flagship Supremacy in The Last Jedi: it turns out that one Rebel ship, rammed with sufficient speed, is enough to be bring both of them down, begging the question of why the Rebel isn't launching non-stop kamikaze attacks with ships piloted by astromech droids.

5. Earth Space Defense (Independence Day: Resurgence)

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According to Popular Mechanics writer Joe Pappalardo, the failure of the Earth Space Defense force in Resurgence is a teachable moment: 

Opening quote
[Resurgence] taps into a great military axiom: Don't prepare to fight the last war, prepare to fight the next one. Easier said than done! Examine details of the Crimean War, the role of aircraft carriers in World War II, and the use of unarmored Humvees in Iraq for some grim examples of militaries who went to war with equipment and tactics that didn't match the battlefield reality, much to their detriment."
Closing quote


Despite reverse-engineering the alien weapons and ships used in the last assault on Earth, the ESD is woefully unprepared for the new invasion, which quickly overwhelms their forces and does what it did before: wipe out cities and (almost) demolish the White House.

So, a message to President Trump: please, please, PLEASE don't base Space Force on any of these guys. Ever.

Science Fiction
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Star Trek
Battlestar Galactica
Alien
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