Everyone Makes Fun of Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes

Thursday, 03 July 2014 - 12:39PM
Thursday, 03 July 2014 - 12:39PM
Everyone Makes Fun of Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes
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The very important lesson we've learned today? People really, really don't like Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes. In honor of the awkwardly named but potentially superior Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, both Honest Trailers and Everything Wrong With have released videos lambasting the film that nearly killed the entire franchise.

 

Honest Trailers:

 

[Credit: Screen Junkies]

 

This brutally honest trailer details all the reasons Planet of the Apes is not only "Mark Wahlberg's lowest point since his rap career" (um, have they seen Transformers yet?), but a shining example of Tim Burton giving a "master class in how not to reboot a franchise." These include, but are not limited to: the addition of boring political debates (we're looking at you, Phantom Menace), a skin-crawling kiss between a human and an ape, and finally, changing the ending for the sake of changing the ending, even though it makes absolutely no sense.

 

Also watch for the gloriously awkward compilations of Wahlberg's mouth breathing and "staring at things."

 

Everything Wrong With:

 

[Credit: Cinema Sins]

 

Cinema Sins gives you everything wrong with Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes in nine minutes or less (I'm sure that's an exaggeration, since that couldn't possibly have been enough time).

 

A few choice sins:

 

The "opening eyes are really scary" cliche

"This guy is such a bad-ass, he doesn't have to zip up his uniform" cliche

Video postcard from every sci-fi movie ever cliche

Basketball and hookah are apparently evolutionary inevitabilities

The movie is unclear on its own theme, in that it expresses moral outrage at the apes treating humans like monkeys and as slaves. It can be one or the other, but not both.

The proximity of the celestial bodies to the alien planet means that there should be an apocalyptic collision every single day

Facility dedicated to live animal research has a sign that says "CAUTION: LIVE ANIMALS" that should actually read "THEY WOULD NOT NEED TO BE TOLD BUT IT WILL FIGURE INTO THE PLOT LATER"

"Also, Hitler, and that's racist"

 

Watch the video for many, many more cinematic sins (the count ultimately comes to a whopping 139).

 

See the next installment of the far superior reboot on July 11.

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