CERN Just Discovered the Force from Star Wars - And It's Totally Not an April Fools' Day Joke

Wednesday, 01 April 2015 - 1:22PM
Star Wars
Wednesday, 01 April 2015 - 1:22PM
CERN Just Discovered the Force from Star Wars - And It's Totally Not an April Fools' Day Joke
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CERN has just discovered the physical nature of the Force, and it's neither an April Fools Day joke nor midichlorians. In a new statement from the home of the Large Hadron Collider, CERN confirmed what we've known all along: that the Force is an omnipresent energy field whose practical applications include "long-distance communication, influencing minds, and lifting heavy things out of swamps."

"'Very impressive, this result is,' said a diminutive green spokesperson for the laboratory."


The groundbreaking theory comes from CERN theorist Ben Kenobi of the University of Mos Eisley, Tatooine (they're having way too much fun with this): "The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us; and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together."

Many of CERN's researchers are hailing this discovery as the holy grail of particle physics, even touting it as a candidate for the long-sought Theory of Everything. But others are less enthused.

"Dark-matter researcher Dave Vader was unimpressed, breathing heavily in disgust throughout the press conference announcing the results, and dismissing the cosmological implications of the Force with the quip 'Asteroids do not concern me.' Rumours are growing that this rogue researcher hopes to delve into the Dark Side of the Standard Model, and could even build his own research station some day."

Although this new study could potentially change the landscape of science as we know it, not all the news is positive. "With the academic community split, many are tempted by Vader's invitations to study the Dark Side, especially researchers working with red lasers, and anyone really with an evil streak who looks good in dark robes."

But luckily, there's one thing everyone can agree on, eloquently stated by TIE experimentalist Fan Buoi: "Right now, to be honest, I don't really care how it works. The theory department have some crackpot idea about life forms called midi-chlorians, but frankly I think that poorly thought out explanations like that just detract from how cool the Force really is."

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